Rockin Robin Inside Out
In Babelogue Patty Smith said “In heart I’m an American artist, and I have no guilt. I seek pleasure. I seek the nerves under your skin.”
And that is how I liked to think of myself. But it is not true. How could I have no guilt when I have a mother and I am a mother! I never managed to get past being the good daughter, doing everything right and being respectable. I wanted to seek the nerve under people’s skin but I never could exactly go that far without something stopping me. Is that what keeps me from being a true artist? There is always the struggle of who I am. The baby, (as my parents still refer to me in my 40’s), the daughter, the woman, the wife, the Mom, the Director of Entertainment at country club. Does that sound like a free soul, a free-spirited person? Or someone who is always dictated to, as to who I should be. My husband put it so beautifully to me once when he said “You have the heart of an artist” and I cried.
I still cry when I think of it. My Heart, my true heart is an artist. I strive for that, I die for that. For that feeling of being able to express my innards through an outward medium. But then I stop, I make dinner, I help with homework, I bandage a knee, I do laundry, I talk to my parents, every day. So where is this free spirit, this artist, this wild uninhibited soul? She is often very hard to find, but I know she exists because I feel her so strongly sometime. She erupts deep inside of me and come spurting out with a ferocity you can’t imagine, unless you are an artist. She sees art everywhere, she see a whole collection of new scarves to make in one walk to the beach. The colors the sand waves, they move me from the inside out. This strong overwhelming emotion must spill out now and then, even if dinner is due. To constantly repress it is hard. To put it to bed for years to instead change diapers is stifling. But I did it and it was my most important work so far and will continue to be. I am mother first and always will be. Without regrets, it is most dear to me, but let me emote, let it run out. See me cry and know I am my happiest then, sometimes.
This is when the creativity is at its height, when it feels right. But I can and will and am willing to tuck it away and keep it that way, to take care of business, until the next time. Watch out, it’s erupting! Beware! I hope this is what my kids will love me for. See, now I am crying, but it is good and I hope this will be recognized and turn into something tangible that flowed right out of me.
I wrote this quite a while ago. While re-reading it I realize it still rings true. Now that my kids are older I have been able to nurture my inner creativity again. Was it worth the wait? It absolutely was. Would I do it differently if I know what I know now? Yes, absolutely. In retrospect what did I learn? I learned that I can be all of those things at once. Packing part of me away for so long could have had way too many negative effects. But now I find, when the time is right for it, I will blossom again and again.
xo Robin xo #rockinrobin